Potential Causes of Temper Tantrums in Children and What to Do in the Moment

Anger, just like joy, fear, pain, and many other emotions experienced by children, is a natural, acceptable, and even necessary feeling. Like all emotions, anger should not be suppressed, but rather given a safe space to be expressed. The key is not that the child gets angry, but how they choose to express that anger.

Preschoolers often struggle to control their anger because they cannot yet express their feelings like adults. Sometimes, they manifest this anger through screaming, crying, vomiting, or harming themselves and their surroundings. While the most intense temper tantrums are typically seen around ages 2-3, it is also common for children up to 5-6 years old to struggle with expressing their anger appropriately. The resolution of temper tantrums is closely linked to parental attitudes and the child's development.

Potential Causes of Temper Tantrums

Some of the main reasons behind temper tantrums include: a desire for attention; underdeveloped verbal expression skills; physical triggers like fatigue, lack of sleep, hunger, or illness; a growing desire for independence; difficulty regulating intense emotions; modeling unhealthy expressions of anger seen in parents; getting what they want as a result of a tantrum; and inconsistent parental boundaries.

Can We Prevent Temper Tantrums?

1. Discovering the source of anger: If the source of anger is identified, it is possible to resolve and control the problem before a tantrum even begins. Active listening makes it much easier to understand the underlying causes of their frustration.

2. Recognizing warning signs in advance: Pay attention to physical changes when your child gets angry, such as a flushed face, rapid breathing, or body tension. Help them recognize these signals by saying things like, 'You've started clenching your teeth,' or 'Did you notice you are breathing very fast?' This helps teach healthy anger management skills before a tantrum fully develops.

Relaxation Techniques

Breathing exercises: Try bubble blowing or diaphragmatic breathing. You can tell them, 'When you feel yourself getting angry, instead of screaming, you can do what I’m going to teach you to calm down. Let's do it together until you learn it well.' First, 'Stop and calm down.' Second, 'Slowly take a deep breath from your belly while counting to 4 in your mind. Now hold it for a count of 2. Finally, release the breath through your mouth while counting to 4.' They should breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, moving their belly rather than their chest.

Expressing anger through drawing: Encourage them to draw what made them angry, and then let them tear up the paper to symbolically release their anger.

Sensory play: Playing with water, sand, or playdough is highly soothing and therapeutic for young children.

Physical activities: Remember that children need to release their energy. Activities like gymnastics, swimming, dancing, running, or jumping are great outlets for built-up tension.

3. Keeping a tantrum log: Tracking where and when tantrums occur, what happens before and after, who is present, and how the child eventually calms down can help you discover the root source of the anger and handle future episodes more effectively.

4. Giving advance warnings: Instead of suddenly saying 'Let's go home' at the park, give a transition warning to help them prepare mentally. For preschoolers, say 'We will leave after you slide 5 more times' instead of 'in 15 minutes,' as their sense of time is not yet fully developed.

5. Setting age-appropriate rules: Having too many rules is just as unhealthy as having none. For children prone to tantrums, try giving them control over flexible, low-stakes choices, such as picking out their own clothes.

6. Noticing and praising healthy coping: Praise positive behavior whenever you see it. For example, you can say: 'I am so happy you reminded your friend of the rules of the game instead of getting angry or quitting when they cheated.'

7. Identifying and naming emotions: Children need a vocabulary for feelings (angry, sad, frustrated, tense) to express themselves. Use these words in daily language and use playful facial expressions to help teach them.

What to Do During a Tantrum

Avoid long, logical explanations or asking for the reasons behind their behavior during a tantrum; trying to lecture or persuade them in the heat of the moment is ineffective.

Do not leave the child completely alone, but try to ignore the tantrum behavior itself. You can say, 'I can't understand you when you scream this way. I am right here, and I will wait until you calm down,' and then pause verbal communication. However, if they are hitting, move away, saying, 'You cannot hit me. Let me know when you are calm so we can talk.'

If the tantrum gets completely out of control (such as if they are harming themselves), hold them firmly but gently from behind with their back against your chest and wait with them until they quiet down.

Parents must remain calm. If we cannot control our own emotions, we cannot realistically expect to teach our children how to control theirs. Staying calm prevents us from accidentally modeling that reacting with anger is the correct response.

If you said 'no' before the tantrum, do not change your answer during or after the episode. This shows them that throwing a tantrum is not a tool to get what they want.

Once they calm down, discuss their behavior gently: 'I love you very much, but I do not like it when you yell like that. What could you have done instead of screaming?' Work together to brainstorm better solutions.

Roleplaying can also help. Roleplaying a hypothetical conflict where parents play the child and children play the parent helps them express complex emotions and build practical problem-solving skills.

Good news! Scientific research shows that crying helps release stress-related chemicals from the body and naturally reduces physical tension. Therefore, do not suppress their crying; focus instead on teaching them healthy ways to cope with the underlying anger.

Recommendations for Families

Avoid labeling a child with words like 'stubborn,' 'aggressive,' or 'moody.' Labeling can reinforce the very behaviors you want to discourage.

Be mindful of media usage. Excessive screen time and violent video games can negatively impact anger management. Parents should monitor, and ideally watch or play along with their children, to use negative on-screen scenes as healthy teaching moments.

Remember that emotional expression is a learned behavior. Parents and caregivers must model healthy emotional expression in their daily lives.

Acknowledge their feelings, even if their way of expressing them is incorrect. Try validating sentences like: 'You feel very sad because you forgot your favorite toy at home.'

Reduce the use of the word 'No.' Try turning it into a positive condition: 'Yes, we can go to the park, but on the day we agreed on,' or 'Yes, you can have chocolate, but after dinner.'

Inform them beforehand. If you are going to a mall and won't be buying toys, explain this before leaving the house. If a tantrum occurs there anyway, the best approach is to gently pick them up and leave.

Never make a child feel unloved or unwanted because they struggled to control their anger. A child must always know they are loved unconditionally.

When to Seek Professional Support

Consider seeking support from a child psychologist if: they have tantrums more than three times a day; they frequently exhibit behaviors that harm themselves or others; they struggle to express sadness or anger verbally; or if you find yourself struggling to control your own anger in response to their behavior.