Children and the Skill of Empathy: Tips for Teaching Empathy to Kids

Empathy is made up of self-awareness, the ability to distinguish one's own feelings from those of others, taking another person's perspective (putting oneself in their shoes), and regulating our own emotional responses. Rather than thinking of empathy as an all-or-nothing trait, it actually exists in various levels and can be developed with practice. Supported by scientific research, here are tips you can use to teach your child empathy:

Tip 1: Help your child recognize their own needs

Help your child recognize their own needs and teach them how to cope with difficult situations. Research shows that when a child's emotional needs are met at home, they develop stronger empathy skills (Barnett 1987). When children are securely attached to their parents, they show sympathy and offer to help others in distress (Waters et al. 1979; Kestenbaum et al. 1989). Other studies show that children whose parents helped them cope with negative emotions in a sympathetic and positive way are more empathetic toward others.

Tip 2: Treat your child as an individual

Treat your child as an individual. Remember that they have their own unique decisions, feelings, and thoughts. Talk to your child about how emotions affect behavior. Observational studies show a strong link between parenting style and children's understanding of others' values, desires, and goals. Parents who view their children as individuals accept that their children have unique thoughts and feelings. Consequently, they discuss emotional and mental states with them and talk about values, desires, and goals.

Tip 3: Model empathy in daily life

Use everyday opportunities to model empathy. You can be a great role model by modeling empathetic behavior and pointing out situations that call for empathy. For example, when reading a book with your child, if a character is excluded from a group, you can talk about this situation and how that character might have felt (Pizarro and Salovey 2002).

Tip 4: Discover common ground with others

Allow your child to discover similarities they share with others. Research indicates that children feel more empathy toward individuals who are similar to them (Zahn-Waxler et al. 1984; Smith 1988). They also find it easier to feel empathetic toward someone who has shared a similar unpleasant experience (Murphy 1937).

Tip 5: Teach the "hot-cold empathy gap"

Teach your child about the "hot-cold empathy gap." Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to appreciate the intensity of food cravings when you aren't hungry? Researchers call this the "hot-cold empathy gap" and have found it to be a universal phenomenon. This gap can lead to incorrect judgments and prevent us from practicing empathy effectively. You can explain how this gap works to your child and use it to teach empathy.

For instance, you can turn uncomfortable situations into opportunities for empathy: Did someone bully or snap at your child at school? You can talk to your child about how other friends in similar situations might have felt at that moment. They can also guess how bullying makes people feel based on their own emotions, emphasizing why we should avoid such behavior. Did your child complain a lot during a car ride? You could ask them to imagine how ancestors felt traveling on horses or camels for days to reach a destination and how they managed to do it.

Additionally, children may have unrealistic attitudes about controlling their own impulses and desires, leading to mistakes. Empathy research shows that resisting temptation is less effective than avoiding tempting situations altogether. Therefore, children need to know that self-control isn't just about being strong; it also means being smart. For example, if homework needs to be done, putting a distracting phone away in a drawer.

Tip 6: Try on different roles and perspectives

Give your child opportunities to try out different roles and perspectives. The skill of empathy involves shifting to different perspectives—answering the question, "How does the world look from my mother's point of view?" Stories (books or TV) are great activities to help your child look at things from different angles. You can encourage your child to think about questions like: "What might the character have thought, believed, or felt? How do we know this?" When families discuss these questions, children gain a much better understanding of how other minds work (Dunn et al. 2001).

In one study, 110 school children (aged 7) participated in a reading program. Some children were randomly assigned to discussions about the emotional content of the book, while others were simply asked to draw a picture about the story. Two months later, the children in the discussion group showed positive improvements in emotion comprehension, empathy, and perspective-taking that remained stable for six months (Ornaghi et al. 2014). Other studies suggest that you don't even have to talk directly with your child to boost their empathy. David Kidd and Emanuele Castano (2013) placed young people in a group where they analyzed the psychology of characters. During this time, participants made temporary improvements in "thinking like someone else." Role-playing games are also highly effective. In one empathy study, healthy medical students were asked to role-play the physical challenges of aging. For example, they taped over glasses to simulate cataracts or wore thick rubber gloves to experience loss of motor skills. Following this study, the students approached elderly patients with much greater empathy (Varkey et al. 2006).