When Your Child Hits: Gentle Ways to Guide and Change Hitting Behavior

Stop the Action Immediately

When you see your child hitting or about to hit, gently remove them from the situation or hold their hands firmly but gently. Make eye contact and say, 'Stop.' It is important that your tone of voice is firm and calm, not angry.

Model Calmness and Stay in Control

Your reaction to your child's behavior models how they should handle their own emotions. Therefore, it is crucial that you control your reactions and express your own negative feelings in a healthy, appropriate way.

Validate Their Feelings and Explain Why We Don't Hit

Sometimes children hit during play, but many resort to this behavior when they are angry or frustrated. Acknowledge and name the emotion your child is feeling ('I can see that you are angry right now'), but clearly communicate that hitting is not acceptable ('You are angry, and I understand that, but hitting is not okay. When you hit, it hurts'). You can also remind your child that hands are not for hitting or hurting others.

Show and Tell Them What to Do Instead

When you observe your child hitting, use it as an opportunity to teach a positive new behavior. Your child may need to learn how to express anger or sadness through words or other outlets (asking for help, drawing, writing, etc.). You can also show them how to appreciate positive moments, teaching phrases like 'High five!', 'Bravo!', or 'Great job!', helping them notice positive situations and encouraging their use.

Praise Positive Behavior Right Away

Focus on and look out for positive behaviors, whether your child mimics them or does them naturally. The moment you see these positive actions, praise them immediately. Be specific about what you are praising (e.g., 'I love how carefully you put away your books'). It is very important that all family members share a consistent approach to hitting. When you see your child hitting, first give a gentle warning and remind them of the consequence if they continue. If they do continue, remove them from the game or situation and wait until they calm down. Giving an initial warning gives your child a chance to practice self-control. However, make sure you consistently follow through with the consequence if the behavior continues. If you feel these steps aren't enough or that something is not quite right, seeking guidance from a child psychologist can be very beneficial. Ignoring hitting behavior and allowing your child to express their emotions inappropriately can cause the behavior to quickly take root, potentially leading to behavioral challenges or social difficulties with peers later on.